Postpartum Anxiety

Clearly I've been a blog slacker. The girls have definitely kept me busy, but now that Emma is starting to nap better during the day I just might have some time to start blogging again. Yay!

I figure if I'm going in order of events since having the girls on June 9th, the next thing I should blog about is the postpartum anxiety I experienced.

The first couple of weeks after the girls were born, life was ROUGH. I knew it would be hard, taking care of two babies round the clock, getting little to no sleep. Physically I knew it would be hard. But I guess I never realized how hard it would be mentally. I've never had anxiety issues, but I found myself getting extremely anxious every evening. It seemed like right when the sun went down the butterflies in my stomach went crazy, and I wanted Dan nearby 24/7. When I was up in the middle of the night with the girls I felt so alone, like I was the only person in the world who was awake.

I could never really pin point why I was feeling so anxious, but I'm sure it was a mixture of hormones, the fear of being totally responsible for two little lives, and complete exhaustion. I was also really struggling with breastfeeding, but I'll save that for it's own post. The other reason I knew I was struggling was because I'm a scheduler.. I like organization and having some sort of routine in my day to day life. I like making lists & checking things off those lists. Tell your newborn baby you want them on some sort of schedule & they will laugh in your face.. well, if they could laugh.

Thankfully, every day got a little bit easier, as I became more comfortable with the whole Mommy role. I still don't have a routine during the day, but from what I hear that's normal with twins. We started a nighttime routine that's helping me feel like I have some sort of control. Starting at 7:30 we bathe the girls, lotion/pj's, bottle, and in their cribs by 8:30. Just that ONE planned part of my day really helps.

I feel like I need to give a heads up to all soon-to-be Mom's about the anxiety & depression you might experience after having your baby (or babies!). I know there's nothing you can really do to prepare for it, but just know that if it happens to you, it's normal. Obviously if it doesn't get better, you want to talk to your doctor about it. Try to get some sleep when you can, take people up on offers to help out.. don't be a hero! You'll get to the point where you can multi-task.. cleaning, taking care of the baby, blogging!, but don't set high expectations to be super Mom right off the bat.

I promise that no matter how long it took you to get pregnant, and no matter how much you desperately wanted that baby, it doesn't make the newborn phase easier. Don't beat yourself up if things aren't all roses & butterflies in the beginning. I know it sounds cliche, but things WILL get easier. At 2 months in, I'm definitely no expert, but I can say it is getting a bit easier each week that goes by.

And when you start getting smiles like this (Harlow)..

And this (Emma)..

It makes it aaaaaall worth it. :)

They're here!!

Ok, they've actually been here almost a month, but I've had my hands full. :)

After all that hospital stay & bed rest I actually had to be induced, if you can believe it! I was induced at 39 weeks & 1 day pregnant, and the girls were born on June 9th.

Here I am right before we left for the hospital, bright & early on the 9th.

Things moved pretty quickly once we got to the hospital. I was still measuring about 3cm, they broke my water and started the pitocin around 8:30a.m. All the details are a little fuzzy but I received the epidural around 11:00a.m. At that point I wasn't feeling craaazy contractions, but opted to get the epi sooner than later since there were lots of deliveries that day & I would have had to tough it out at least another hour. Awhile later I was still feeling contractions and when they did another internal exam I could feel it just the same as the one from the morning.. at that point I was 5cm.

My doctor was surprised that I could still feel everything so she decided to have the anesthesiologist come back to check things out. It took awhile for him to come back and by that point I was feeling some pretty painful contractions. Once he got there he injected a large amount of the medicine in to me to see what happened.. I got super dizzy, my ears started ringing.. everything they ask if you're experiencing. This was the only moment of the whole day where I started freaking out a bit. They put an oxygen mask on my face, the doctor explained something about missing (or hitting?) a blood vessel, and got to work on re-doing the epidural. Ugh. At that point though I could care less. I was feeling really strong contractions so the 2nd epi was a piece of cake.

Around 1:30 I told my nurse I could definitely still feel contractions, but not as intense. She asked if I could feel them more in my rectum, and when I said yes she looked really surprised. She did another internal exam, looked up at me with huge eyes & said "you're at nine!". At this point I was soooo sleepy, so in between 9 & 10cm I was able to take a nap. :)

I was ready to start pushing around 2:30 and at that point a sea of people entered my room.. It was Dan, my two nurses, my obgyn, and probably 6 or 7 other doctors.. I don't know what each of them was there for, but at that point I could care less! I pushed for an hour and Emma Dylan was born at 3:30p.m, weighed 4lbs 14oz, and was 18 inches long. She cried right away and was whisked away to get cleaned up. I couldn't hold her right away since I needed to start pushing for Harlow, but they kept holding her up so I could catch glimpses of her, and at one point someone brought her over to me to give her a few kisses. :)

I naively assumed that Harlow would be much easier to deliver since you know, everything was already stretched out down there, but I was SO wrong! First off, I was exhausted already. So much that I could have slept in between contractions. Second, Harlow had further to go since she wasn't as far down. And lastly, she was the bigger of the two babies. Apparently she was also starting to flip, so the nurses were pushing down really hard on my stomach, which made me feel sick and definitely made pushing more difficult. My doctor kept telling me if I didn't want to have a c-section I'd have to push harder, and that was definitely motivation! Harlow Jane was born at 4:13p.m., weighed 5lbs 14oz, and was 19 inches long.

I did it! I delivered my baby girls vaginally, and everyone was as healthy as could be! Overall the experience was exactly as I hoped it would be. I got really lucky and had two amazing nurses who made SUCH a difference. One of them in particular kept telling me how great I was doing, and when she hugged me at the end of her shift, she actually had tears in her eyes. They were truly amazing. 

The last month has been sort of a whirl wind. I definitely have more to write about & many pictures to post, but I'll start with this birth story.

Here's a few pics of my beautiful baby girls:

The nurses..

Me & my girls..

Proud Papa..

Emma & Harlow, 1 day old..

Sister love (Emma on the left)..

Home sweet home!

 



38 weeks!

Still pregnant! Unbelievable. I'm 38 weeks as of today, and I'll admit.. I'm so ready for Emma & Harlow to make their entrance. Every day I'm a little bigger than the day before and my skin is sooo itchy and sore from being stretched to the max. I'm happy I've made it this far, but now it's time for them to become outside babies!

I had a doctor's visit yesterday and now I'm 3cm dilated, 100% effaced. Making progress! We have an eviction date set for next Thursday, the 9th (my Mom's Birthday!), but I'm still hoping they'll come on their own before then. We've been going for walks in the evening, hoping to help things move along.

We have a growth ultrasound tomorrow, so we'll find out what their estimated weights are. Eeeeek. I'm a little nervous to find out! At 34 weeks they were estimated 5lbs 1oz and 5lbs 2oz and the paranatologist said if I make it to 38 weeks there's a good chance I'd have 7+lb babies. FABULOUS, but a little nerve wracking since we're still trying for a vaginal delivery. They should be healthy though, which is such a relief.

I'm still working (ugh) from home, but I've decided this Friday will be my last day. If the girls don't come on their own before next Thursday I'll have a few days off to just relax and get myself as mentally prepared as possible. I can't tell you just how happy I am to have a few months off of work to spend with my sweet babies. I know it's going to be HELL dragging myself back to work :(

That's all I've got as far as updates go.. I'll update again on Friday with the growth u/s results. Here's a pic taken this morning. Fingers crossed that this is the last belly pic I take. :)

Full term!!

Wow. 37 weeks. I still can't believe that when I was laying in the hospital I thought we might have March babies. Now, there's a good chance we'll be having June babies. Unreal. I'm officially full term and I'm SO ready now for Emma & Harlow to make their appearance.

My next OB appointment is on Tuesday, so if I don't go into labor on my own by then we'll be scheduling an induction.. most likely for the upcoming weekend (June 4th or 5th). As of this past Monday I'm 2cm dilated, so I'm making some sort of progress. Fingers crossed that means I'll go on my own!

Either way, I'm still not sure it has sunk in that I'll be holding my sweet baby girls within the next week or so. I picture that moment in my mind, and I know it will probably end up being a million times better than whatever I'm imagining. Just the thought of Dan looking in his baby girls' eyes makes my own eyes well up with tears, so I can guarantee you it will be a suuuper emotional day for me. :)

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy my last days (hours?) being pregnant. There's a very good chance this is the last time I'll be pregnant, so I'm trying to soak it all up while I can. Feeling my little girls kicking and sticking their little bums in the air.. getting that little extra pampering from Dan.. those are definitely the perks. I can write a longer list of things to complain about, but I won't. Because when it comes down to it I wouldn't take back or trade any of this experience. And I'm trying to focus on the positives, people!

I'll leave you with what's hopefully my last belly pic. Please ignore the wet hair, no makeup, pajama look. :) My belly is now measuring 44 weeks. Yowzers.

Still here..

And still pregnant. :) Just a very bad blogger.

I've officially hit my goal of making it to 36 weeks.. I'm 36 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I guess I shouldn't call it "my goal" because besides listening to the doctor and sitting on my ass for so many weeks, I didn't have much of a hand in it. There are plenty of women out there who have their babies early & there's nothing they could have done to prevent it from happening. So much of it is luck! Either way, I'm feeling super grateful.

I've been super busy with work (yep, still working.. just from home, not the office), and with LOTS of doctor's appointments. I go to my OB's office twice a week to check the babies fluid & to see my OB, and then I go to the hospital twice a week for NSTs. So far everything has looked great. As of earlier this week my belly is measuring 42 weeks (YIKES), I'm 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. And the babies are loooow. My OB could touch Emma's head, which I thought was crazy.

Now I guess we just wait! I'm really hoping they decide to come on their own in the next week or two, so I can avoid being induced. We're still going for a vaginal delivery, so my OB won't induce until 39 weeks, as long as the girls still look good. 39 weeks!! They're going to have to roll me into the hospital by then.

I think those are all the baby updates I have for you.. not a whole lot happening now, just waiting. :) Here's a pic of me and the 36 42 week belly:

10lbs 3oz

10lbs 3oz... that's how much baby I have in my belleh right now! Emma is estimating 5lbs1oz, Harlow is 5lbs2oz. The estimates can be off a bit, so they could be a bit smaller, or a bit bigger. I'm THRILLED to think there's a good chance I'd deliver 5lb babies right now though. And the doctor said if I make it to 38 weeks there's a good chance I'll have 7lb babies!! :)

In other good news, I'm freeeeee. No more strict bed rest! I got to take my trip to Target and while it was awesome being out in the real world, it was exhausting. I guess being off of your feet for so long really takes it toll! Well, that and carrying around over 10lbs of baby.

I have more doctor appointments now.. 2 NSTs a week and I'll see my OB once or twice a week as well. I have one more growth ultrasound scheduled for 38 weeks, if I make it that far.

My private labor class is this Sunday at our house and I'm really looking forward to it. I could go into labor any day now, and I think having some knowledge of what to expect is going to calm some of my nerves. Every time I think about how close we are, I get butterflies!

Ok, now for my recent obsession. If anyone asks me if I'm craving anything, this is what I tell them:

Arnold Palmers!!!! Yum. A couple times a week I'll have Dan pick me up a large Iced Tea, and I'll mix some of the tea with some crystal light lemonade (sugar free for the GD!). So freakin' good, and the tea usually lasts me a couple of days since I'm mixing it with the lemonade. Arnold Palmers have always been my fave, but now I love them more than ever. That & just straight up iced tea.

Another thing I just discovered..

Sugar free, but it tastes JUST like Kool-Aid. Promise. So good, and it's a nice little break from plain water all day.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Nursery!

The nursery is done! Well, I can't really say it's 100% done because I still need to find a mirror to go above the dresser.. but for the most part, it's done. :) Here's the pics I promised!

The E & H above their cribs are for their names (obvs), Emma & Harlow, and the alphabet cards are from Etsy. My Mom found the little table that's next to the glider at an antique store. She painted it light pink and we got the handle for it at Anthropologie. The quilt hanging over the chair is one of the quilts my sister made the girls.

The picture of the two owls came from Etsy, and then I framed two more of the alphabet cards.. the E & the H. They're hanging from two dresser knobs, also from Anthropologie, and hung from pink ribbon.

I gave myself a little project this weekend & painted the trim of my dollhouse. So, the first picture of the dollhouse is a before pic, and the 2nd picture is after (sorry some of the pics are in a funky order). The "rooms" of the dollhouse will be shelves for their books, for now. I posted about it before, but the dollhouse was built for me when I was a little girl, by my Grandpa Tom, who was like a 2nd Dad to me. So, obviously it holds a really special place in my heart. :)

The bunnies sitting on the shelf are the ones my sister made out of my Grandpa's t-shirt (the same Grandpa who built the dollhouse). The ballerina shoes hanging from the shelves were ones that I wore in some professional photos taken when I was little.

And then there's the closet.. the full closet. Probably 75% of the clothes and shoes were given to us by Dan's Sister, who has a 1 year old daughter. We are SO lucky, and the girls will be so well dressed. :)

So, that's it! It's by far my favorite room in the house. Hope you like it!