Thursday, July 29, 2010

Where we're at

Once we returned from Santa Cruz I called my RE and let him know the bad news. He told us we have a couple of options.. try a 4th IUI, since technically the 3rd one did work, OR move on to IVF.

Dan and I talked it over and decided to give one fourth and final IUI a shot. I figure if it doesn't work it only pushes our IVF cycle out from September to October. One month = not a huge deal in my mind. October will mark the 2 year anniversary of us officially trying to get pregnant, so it just seems to make sense to wait and try IVF then. Plus, we're out of pocket so giving the (much) cheaper option another chance makes sense to us.

SO, because I was on vacation when I would have had to start the injections and monitoring, this cycle is our "natural" cycle. We're just trying the old fashion way and not expecting anything to happen.

Hopefully within the next week or two I'll be able to start injections for IUI#4. (joy)

BUT, just in case it doesn't work, I also have a consultation appointment set up for September 2nd with the IVF clinic. My current RE referred me to someone else in the area because he feels like he's already really emotionally invested in us and he knows this IVF clinic has amazing success rates. Check these out:

Those are their success rates for 2009.. 79.5%!! So, I'm feeling really excited about those odds, and hopeful that we will NOT fall into the other 20.5%.

I've heard great things from a few people who have gone or are currently going to this clinic. Wonderful staff, the clinic is right down the street from my work, and fabulous success rates.. I'm feelin' good about this.

So, that's where we're at right now. Enjoying our break from all the injections and appointments, while feeling excited and hopeful for the future.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I just want to take a moment to express how thankful I am for the friends I've met through theBump. At first I figured the "Getting Pregnant" board would be a great place to get some good info and share some laughs with some online peeps.

Well, something else happened.

I found myself there longer than I really ever wanted to be.. but you know what? I've made some great friendships. I have "e-friends" that I consider true, blue girlfriends of mine. Some of them are still struggling to get pregnant, some are pregnant, and some have babies.

They root for me, they cheer for me, they listen to me, and they cry with me. A few of these girlfriends sent me these beautiful flowers after our loss..

I was so touched and grateful to have such thoughtful people in my life. People who can understand exactly how I feel, and who would do anything they can to put a smile on my face.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have them in my life, and hopefully they feel the same way about me.

Love you ladies :) xoxoxo

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Some much needed R&R

So, miscarrying on the drive up to your week long vacation has it's ups and downs...

I was thankful that I didn't have to face a week at work, but I had all the time in the world to think about what happened. I was surrounded by Dan's family, but that included my niece, who I was meeting for the first time. Being around a baby all week was rough, but I dealt with it and managed to really, truly enjoy myself on this vacation.

We stayed at a beach house in Santa Cruz with my Sister-in-Law (Beth), Brother-in-Law (Mike), my 3 year old nephew Jack, my 4 month old niece, Olivia, and Dan's parents (Carol & Doug). Oh, and I can't forget about our two dogs, Bootsie and Cali, and Beth & Mike's dog, Nola. It was a full house!

Meet my adorable nephew and niece:

I spent a lot of time sleeping in, relaxing on the beach, eating good food, and drinking lots of wine. We took walks around cute neighborhoods, put a huge puzzle together, played dominoes, and showered in an amazing outdoor shower. We made s'mores in the outdoor fire pit and fish tacos from the fish the boys caught on their fishing day trip.

We went to the boardwalk one day where I got on a ride that I initially refused to go on. You know the one that shoots you up into the air, drops you back down, and makes you feel like your stomach is going to fall out of your mouth? Yeah, that kind of ride. Go me!

Here's a picture of Dan and I on the pier in Santa Cruz. You can see the boardwalk in the back ground, but I think Dan's big head is covering up that ride! Oh, and I also rode the merry-go-round.. check that off my list!

The house we stayed in was one block from the beach, and we picked the perfect spot! Apparently all the locals go to this beach with their dogs because even though there are "leash laws" there's no way for a lifeguard truck or police car to get on this beach. So, the rules go out the window! The dogs were able to have the time of their lives, running around and playing in the water. And the humans got to drink beers. A win-win!

Here are all the dogs pooped after a day on the beach. We called this "dog row":

It was a wonderful trip, and just what my soul needed.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Where to start?

I've been a bad bad blogger, and now I feel like I have waaaay too much to share. For now I'll share with you the happiest single moment in my life, followed by the worst.

On Thursday, July 8th, I woke up and took the obligatory HPT. And to my absolute shock, two blue lines popped up. I emphasize the color of the lines because stupid me bought a cheap-o test, and decided that it would be a good idea to use one that morning. So, I woke Dan up and told him I got a positive test, but not to get too excited because the blue dye tests are known to give false positives.

I called my RE's nurse when I got to work and she told me to come right in to take another HPT, and they would get my blood drawn afterwards. Long story short, this is what came of that:

Total shock! I started crying, my RE high fived me, and off I went to get my blood work done. Was this really happening.. after almost 2 years was I FINALLY pregnant? Holy crap. I still had this sinking feeling that something would go wrong. I doubt it was intuition. I think I'm just used to nothing but bad news when it comes to getting pregnant.

My RE called me that afternoon and confirmed my fear.. hCG = 22, progesterone = 12. An hCG of over 5 means you're pregnant, 22 is still pretty low, but the progesterone was definitely lower than it should have been.. even though I had already been taking progesterone suppositories since the IUI.

I had to come in the next morning to get another blood test done, since I would be leaving for vacation that Saturday morning. Friday morning I decided to test with my digital, and got this:

At this point I thought maaaaybe this was happening and all would work out with the blood work.

The results from Friday's blood work.. hCG = 30, progesterone = 10. crap. My RE said he was surprised to see my hCG go up so much, and that because of the progesterone level he figured we had about a 50/50 chance of this pregnancy working out. All we could do was wait it out.

I tried to remain optimistic, but of course when someone says 50/50 I'm looking at that glass half empty, not half full. Old habits die hard.

Saturday morning we started our 7 hour drive up to Santa Cruz for our week long vacation. Not long into the drive I started spotting and I had the worst cramps I've ever had. By the time we got up to Santa Cruz I had started bleeding, and I knew it was over.

So, that was that. For a short time I had what I have been dreaming about for so long. I saw those two lines. Dan and I created something, even if it couldn't stay with us. After we lost it I was pissed. I was angry at the world just in general. Why do bad things happen to good people? And why do good things happen to bad people? Obviously there's no answer for those questions, it's just life. And sometimes life is cruel and unfair. Sometimes more to some than others.

I'm starting to feel better though. I'm trying to think positively.. this proved I can get pregnant. I should consider that a huuuuge step in this whole journey of ours. I think we've decided on our next step, but I'll save that for another day.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A bet

I'm going to make a bet right now that I'm going to see another BFN on Thursday. I hope I lose, but I have a feeling I won't.

I started getting my hopes up when I was waking up around 3:00 A.M every morning feeling like I was hungover, even though I haven't been drinking any alcohol. And yesterday when I noticed I hadn't felt any of the normal pre-period cramps, I thought maybe THIS is it! Well, then my body decided to give me a big ol' F.U. back and those cramps were here by the evening.

I know it's not over until I see that BFN, but there's nothing really giving me any hope right now. Everything feels pretty much exactly like all of my other 20 or so cycles, and I'm 12dpiui. sigh.

Well, let me at least try to look on the bright side of this. I leave for a week long vacation this Saturday. The vino and I will be BFF's all week. We'll be moving on to IVF with a wonderful clinic that has one of the best success rates nationwide. I won't mention the down side which is that I'll be with a 4 month old baby during my entire vacation, and I have no clue how we'll be paying for IVF (a minor detail, no?). Oh wait.. I said I wouldn't mention those things, huh? Oops. Well, I promise to at least focus on those positives, and not dwell on the negatives.

'til Thursday...