Doomsday

It's comin'.. and I aint happy bout it.

I head back to work full time next Wednesday. sigh. I knew the day would come but now I feel like the last few months have flown by & I'm not feeling ready to leave my baby girls five days a week. I'm extremely lucky because my Mom will watch them a few days a week, and a friend will watch them the other two days. BUT STILL. I think of all the diaper changes I'll be missing out and I get all teary eyed. Normally diaper changes wouldn't be something one would miss, but I love that time with the girls. They smile and we talk.. I love it.

Being a SAHM would be a dream come true, but if I weigh the pros & cons of going back to work, I'm making the right choice. We can continue living in San Diego (which we both love), and we can provide for the girls without just scraping by each month. There will be vacays with the girls some day, and of course TWO weddings & college tuitions to save for. Oy. Besides the monetary benefits, I keep reminding myself that it's only a few years until they're in school anyways. And when they're old enough to understand, I hope they look up to their Mommy for having a career.

I'm sure going back will be somewhat bittersweet. Taking care of the girls 24/7 is TIRING. To say the least. Of course I'm still going to be tired.. I'll still be getting up at 3 or 4 to feed the girls each morning, and when I come home from work I won't be vegging out in front of the t.v. I'll still be "on" 24/7. But I'll be around adults all day, with the ability to enjoy lunch (without scarfing it down!), and I'll get out of my yoga pants and into cute skirts and dresses again.

To prepare myself for being an official working Mom, I hired a house cleaner yesterday. I was on the fence until I heard that working Mom's with 2 or more kids, spend 30% of their time at home cleaning. 30%!! My time is going to be precious with my girlies, so I decided I need some help keeping up the house. No shame in my game! :) I have someone coming twice a month to keep up on the floors, dusting, bathrooms, kitchen, baseboards.. all the nitty gritty. Woot!

I'm also considering getting myself one of these as a back to work present:

It's an Erin Condren life planner. I neeeed it. I have a blackberry but I'm old school. I love writing lists and adding to-do's & reminders on actual paper. It's $50 though.. steep, I know. But worth it, no? I think I deserve it. :) Like how I'm totally trying to convince myself that I need to buy it? hehe.

And lastly, I'll be going through my work clothes this week to see what I can get rid of, and what I need to buy. I weigh a bit less than I did before I got pregnant, but I'm pretty sure my old work stuff still fits. Then this weekend Dan's going to watch the girls for a few hours while I go shopping. Yay! I definitely need a couple new bras, work tops, a couple skirts, and a few dresses. Oh, and heels. Multiple pairs, of course.

So, that's that. I'm going to rock this working Mom thing. :)

fyi..

I currently can't leave comments on my blog, or any blog I follow for that matter! I'm having some sort of issue with blogger & wanted you to know I read all comments & wish I could respond back. boo.

If anyone else has had issues leaving comments & knows a solution I'd love to hear it! :)

Ok, off to warm a bottle. An exciting Tuesday, right? ;)

A day at the bay

I had one of those weekends that reminds me why I love living in San Diego. Despite the cost of living! We loaded up the car .. two babies, two dogs, two beach chairs, one big diaper bag, a cooler & a bucket of chicken.. and we headed to Fiesta Island.

It was the first official beach trip for the girls, and even though they just hung out in the back of the Tahoe the whole time, they got to enjoy the fresh ocean breeze. I can't wait until the girls are old enough to play in the sand & the water.

Here's a little photo montage of our day at the bay..

Getting ready to head out!

Enjoying the breeze (they were facing the water)

Dan & the dogs played in the water

The girls & I hung out

The dogs eventually pooped out

And so did Emma & Harlow

Which meant time for Dan & I to stick our feet in the sand

And relax with an adult beverage :)

The End.

Bloopers!

I promise my parenting experience is not summed up by formula feeding guilt or postpartum anxiety. There are SO many good moments that far outweigh the bad, and so many moments where a mistake is made or a funny moment is captured. The bloopers of parenting! This will the first installment of many many more bloopers to come.

The funniest stupidest thing I've done to date happened 4 days after they were born. We had our first appointment with the pediatrician and decided we should give the girls their first at home bath. As if getting two babies fed and out the door on time for their first outing isn't stressful enough..let's add a bath to the mix. Yay! So, I gave Harlow a bath and then moved over to the couch to breastfeed her in a football hold position. Notice any steps missing in between bath & feeding? Yep.. I forgot to put a diaper on her.

And little miss Harlow.. being the jokester that she is.. decided it was a good time to poop her very first huge & messy poo. Of course! And since I had her in football hold with her booty to the side of me, I didn't realize what had happened until I stood up with her. OH EM GEE. Poop EVERYWHERE. Poop on my arm, poop all over her, poop all over the breastfeeding pillow, poop all over the couch! And she wasn't done.. nope, not yet.

As I realize what just happened I look down at her and she's STILL pooping. And I decide that slipping my hand under her butt to catch the poo in my hand is a better idea then letting it hit the wood floors (sleep deprivation makes you do crazy things, yo). Ew.

I make it a few feet towards the kitchen when I realize the window (where the sink is) is wiiiide open. It's the middle of the day, the window looks right out to our street, I'm holding baby in one hand, poop in the other, and my bewbies are totally hanging out. I yell for Dan (thank god he was there), who was able to come and help diffuse the situation. Not before yelling back at me to run to the sink while I'm yelling at him that I'd rather not flash the whole neighborhood. It was hilarious.. afterwards of course, not during.

So, that's my first disgusting experience with poo & some serious sleep deprived Mommy brain. I promise I'll never write another post that contains the word poo or poop so many times. And since I don't have any pictures documenting this blooper (darn) I'll leave you with a different blooper pic.

I promise I'm not suffocating my baby. :)

See? She's o.k  It's just a new thing Emma likes to do where I put the blanket over her arms and she buries her head in it. I don't blame her.. this is an a&a bamboo blanket & it's sooooft.

Letting the guilt go

I realize my posts are kinda all over the place. I'm playing catch up from not blogging right after the girls were born, which is why I'm just now journaling about my attempt at breastfeeding.

I say attempt because honestly it was not a "success". During my pregnancy I always knew I would try to breastfeed the girls, and I really didn't foresee quitting so early on. That was my first mistake. I should have been more realistic. I should have read up on some real life stories of breastfeeding twins (not the twin books that make you feel like it's easy peasy). And I probably shouldn't have purchased such a nice (expensive!) breast pump.

But I thought it was going to work.. I reeeally did. I envisioned tandem feeding the girls on the twin nursing pillow that was given to me, and I pictured myself pumping in my office once I went back to work. I even used it as a reason to justify buying a mini fridge for my office. You see? There was never a doubt in my mind that it wouldn't happen.

Fast forward to the girls being born. Emma weighed 4lbs 14oz and we had major latch issues with her from the start. Because of my gestational diabetes, I had to feed the girls a bottle of formula soon after they were born. The rest of the 48 hours I was in the hospital were spent desperately trying to get Emma to latch. Using the tube feeder filled with formula, and the (painful) nipple shield. I had nurses & lactation consultants helping me. My obgyn and the pediatrician at the hospital told me just to make sure they get fed, even if that means formula. The nurses and lactation consultants were clearly pushing breastfeeding..big time. And I was so SO confused.

Fast forward to bringing the girls home. We quickly realized that breastfeeding Harlow AND attempting for long periods of time to get Emma to latch, was NOT going to work. I would literally have a baby on a boob 24/7. Within the first week of bringing them home I caved mentally & physically. We busted out the bottles of formula full time for Emma, and I got some sleep.

The plan was to formula feed Emma, but continue breastfeeding Harlow so that I could continue to pump enough breast milk for Emma. That worked for another week or so. I made the mistake of supplementing with formula for Harlow and once she realized how much easier it was for her to just take a bottle, she would scream bloody murder within 5 minutes of me putting her on my boob. The first time she did that I broke down crying. I cried and cried and cried.. while reluctantly feeding her a bottle of formula.

But then I realized.. WHY am I beating myself up? They got the colostrum, they got some breast milk, and I continued pumping so they could get more breast milk for the first month. I tried. But breastfeeding one baby with latch issues would be rough.. adding a whole other baby to the mix? Makes it DAMN hard. Any twin mama out there who was able to successfully breastfeed for any extended period of time should seriously get some sort of medal. Because that shit is HARD.

So, there you have it. I tried, it didn't work out like I imagined, I beat myself up over it, I let the guilt go. And now I'm a happier mama for it. Getting decent sleep for me, two healthy growing baby girls? Sounds like a win to me!

For all the future twin mama's reading this.. PLEASE don't set crazy expectations for yourself. Or mom's of singletons for that matter! You can have an ideal plan in place, but if it doesn't work out exactly like you imagined, don't let guilt consume you. If you're taking care of your babies AND yourself, you're doing your job. And I promise 20 years from now your kids won't remember or care whether they were breastfed or not. Promise.

Harlow

Harlow,
My chunky monkey. You are SO full of personality, I can't stand it. You've been a bit of a drama queen from the moment you were born. When you're upset, you REALLY let everyone know it. And when you're happy you're SO happy.. almost giddy. The expressions you make are pretty awesome. I've tried to capture as many of them on camera as I can because I don't want to forget all the silly faces you make. I think the best is when I pull you from your swing or car seat after a nap & you streeeetch. The most exaggerated stretch I think I've ever seen. You scrunch up your face, twist your head to the side, and your arms go over your head. It's adorable.

You like to cuddle a lot more than your sister does. One of my favorite memories of your life as a newborn will always be those times you'd snuggle right into my chest and doze off. I never would have thought having drool all over me would make me so happy. :)

You're really starting to become a chatter box. I can put you on your play mat and you'll talk and talk to yourself for awhile. Smiling, coo'ing, making silly sounds. And you're a trickster! You have a new game where you'll fuss in your swing or your crib and when I get there you smile huge & get a look on your face that totally says "haha, Mommy.. I tricked you!". Daddy & I already know you're going to be a handful. I think you're going to be the comedian and the goof ball. I can't wait to see if I'm right! Oh, and you love bath time! Both you & your sister love being in the water.. I think you'll be fishies like your Dad.

I'm still trying to decide if you look like me or Daddy. You have less hair than Emma, but it's lighter. Your eyes are still that newborn blue/gray color, so we'll see if you end up with blue eyes like me, or brown like your Dad. Maybe an in between green.. that's my guess! You have chubby cheeks and I think I kiss them about a million times a day. I hope you never get sick of me doing that.. my guess is you will. :) You have an adorable turned up nose, and a big mouth like me.  :) 

I love you so much, Harlow Jane, and can't wait to see you & your personality grow!

love,
Mommy

Emma

Emma,
My little peanut. I feel like your little personality has been forming since we first saw you flip flopping during one of our early ultrasounds. Eventually your little (big) sister took up all the room in my belly, but I knew once you were born you'd go back to being a little wiggle worm. I was right! You're not that into being cuddled, and your favorite spot of the house is the changing table of the pack & play. When I lay you in it you start wiggling around, and I can usually get some coos & smiles from you while I'm changing your diaper. I joke with Daddy that he needs to build a higher barrier around the changing table so I can leave you there!

You've been wide eyed & alert since the day you were born. One of my favorite moments after you & Harlow were born was of someone in the room putting the two of you next to each other and you were looking over at your sister. When I held you for the first time you slept with one eye slightly open, and you've been doing that ever since. You fight sleep a lot.. closing your eyes until they're almost all the way shut and then BAM! you're wide eyed, looking around the room again. I think you just don't want to miss a thing.. maybe you'll be the life of the party some day.

You're making the cutest coos lately. You love looking up and "talking" to the spinning bears above you in your pack & play. Sometimes you'll even start to cry when the bears stop spinning! You & I "talk" a lot.. you coo, I coo or talk back, you smile. One of the highlights to my day.

You have beautiful blue eyes.. and I'm almost certain they'll stay blue. Your hair is darker than your sister's, and you have more of it, but you have the blondest eyebrows. I have a feeling you'll turn into a toe head like your Mommy in a few years. You're just above 9lbs, but you're a good eater and I have a feeling you'll eventually catch up to your sister. You have the cutest chubby cheeks, button nose, and a teeny tiny mouth.

Happy 2 months, Emma Dylan!

love,
Mommy

2 months old!

I'm a day late, but happy 2 months to my sweet baby girls! And WHAT a 2 months it's been. People always say "they grow so fast" and now I know exactly what they mean. In just two months we went from this:

to this:

(Emma on the left in the 1st pic, on the right in the 2nd pic)

Where did my babies go??? Ok, they're still babies but look how different they look already! Nuts. I seriously can't wait to see what they'll look & act like one year from now. I'm sure I'll be looking back at these pics from their first couple months of life, wishing I could turn back the clock.

Emma & Harlow,
You're two months old now, and your little personalities are becoming more distinct every single day. You're both offering up lots of coos & smiles.. and let's not forget the man farts & burps. You give your Daddy a run for his money in those categories!

You both have clearly developed a smell for good food because the instant Daddy & I sit down to eat dinner, at least one of you will pop open your eyes and demand to be fed. I think we have a couple of future foodies on our hands! That's o.k. though.. I would give up every bite of food for you girls. Mommy is getting cheesy now!

At two months old we can get a 6 hour stretch of sleep from you at night. You each have your occasional meltdowns, but overall neither of you are super fussy. Yay for good babies!!

You're starting to get out of the house a lot more, and people loooove to stop and stare at you. Apparently you're pretty fascinating, and cute to boot. So far you've been to the farmers markets, Balboa Park, and multiple restaurants. You've even gone to your first car show!

I can't wait until you guys can interact with each other. Daddy & I like to sit you down next to each other & hold you face to face, but so far you don't acknowledge each other. I don't blame you though.. after being squished so close together in my belly for so long it's no wonder you're sick of each other! That's ok.. in the next few weeks (hopefully!) you'll start enjoying each other's company again. And some day I hope you'll be best friends!

Even though you're twins you each have your own quirks and personalities, so I'll be sure to write a letter to each of you individually. You're twins, but we hope that (if you're reading this!) you'd agree that Daddy & I always worked to allow you to be an individual.

Happy 2 months, sweet girls. Mommy & Daddy love you!

Postpartum Anxiety

Clearly I've been a blog slacker. The girls have definitely kept me busy, but now that Emma is starting to nap better during the day I just might have some time to start blogging again. Yay!

I figure if I'm going in order of events since having the girls on June 9th, the next thing I should blog about is the postpartum anxiety I experienced.

The first couple of weeks after the girls were born, life was ROUGH. I knew it would be hard, taking care of two babies round the clock, getting little to no sleep. Physically I knew it would be hard. But I guess I never realized how hard it would be mentally. I've never had anxiety issues, but I found myself getting extremely anxious every evening. It seemed like right when the sun went down the butterflies in my stomach went crazy, and I wanted Dan nearby 24/7. When I was up in the middle of the night with the girls I felt so alone, like I was the only person in the world who was awake.

I could never really pin point why I was feeling so anxious, but I'm sure it was a mixture of hormones, the fear of being totally responsible for two little lives, and complete exhaustion. I was also really struggling with breastfeeding, but I'll save that for it's own post. The other reason I knew I was struggling was because I'm a scheduler.. I like organization and having some sort of routine in my day to day life. I like making lists & checking things off those lists. Tell your newborn baby you want them on some sort of schedule & they will laugh in your face.. well, if they could laugh.

Thankfully, every day got a little bit easier, as I became more comfortable with the whole Mommy role. I still don't have a routine during the day, but from what I hear that's normal with twins. We started a nighttime routine that's helping me feel like I have some sort of control. Starting at 7:30 we bathe the girls, lotion/pj's, bottle, and in their cribs by 8:30. Just that ONE planned part of my day really helps.

I feel like I need to give a heads up to all soon-to-be Mom's about the anxiety & depression you might experience after having your baby (or babies!). I know there's nothing you can really do to prepare for it, but just know that if it happens to you, it's normal. Obviously if it doesn't get better, you want to talk to your doctor about it. Try to get some sleep when you can, take people up on offers to help out.. don't be a hero! You'll get to the point where you can multi-task.. cleaning, taking care of the baby, blogging!, but don't set high expectations to be super Mom right off the bat.

I promise that no matter how long it took you to get pregnant, and no matter how much you desperately wanted that baby, it doesn't make the newborn phase easier. Don't beat yourself up if things aren't all roses & butterflies in the beginning. I know it sounds cliche, but things WILL get easier. At 2 months in, I'm definitely no expert, but I can say it is getting a bit easier each week that goes by.

And when you start getting smiles like this (Harlow)..

And this (Emma)..

It makes it aaaaaall worth it. :)