I figure if I'm going in order of events since having the girls on June 9th, the next thing I should blog about is the postpartum anxiety I experienced.
The first couple of weeks after the girls were born, life was ROUGH. I knew it would be hard, taking care of two babies round the clock, getting little to no sleep. Physically I knew it would be hard. But I guess I never realized how hard it would be mentally. I've never had anxiety issues, but I found myself getting extremely anxious every evening. It seemed like right when the sun went down the butterflies in my stomach went crazy, and I wanted Dan nearby 24/7. When I was up in the middle of the night with the girls I felt so alone, like I was the only person in the world who was awake.
I could never really pin point why I was feeling so anxious, but I'm sure it was a mixture of hormones, the fear of being totally responsible for two little lives, and complete exhaustion. I was also really struggling with breastfeeding, but I'll save that for it's own post. The other reason I knew I was struggling was because I'm a scheduler.. I like organization and having some sort of routine in my day to day life. I like making lists & checking things off those lists. Tell your newborn baby you want them on some sort of schedule & they will laugh in your face.. well, if they could laugh.
Thankfully, every day got a little bit easier, as I became more comfortable with the whole Mommy role. I still don't have a routine during the day, but from what I hear that's normal with twins. We started a nighttime routine that's helping me feel like I have some sort of control. Starting at 7:30 we bathe the girls, lotion/pj's, bottle, and in their cribs by 8:30. Just that ONE planned part of my day really helps.
I feel like I need to give a heads up to all soon-to-be Mom's about the anxiety & depression you might experience after having your baby (or babies!). I know there's nothing you can really do to prepare for it, but just know that if it happens to you, it's normal. Obviously if it doesn't get better, you want to talk to your doctor about it. Try to get some sleep when you can, take people up on offers to help out.. don't be a hero! You'll get to the point where you can multi-task.. cleaning, taking care of the baby, blogging!, but don't set high expectations to be super Mom right off the bat.
I promise that no matter how long it took you to get pregnant, and no matter how much you desperately wanted that baby, it doesn't make the newborn phase easier. Don't beat yourself up if things aren't all roses & butterflies in the beginning. I know it sounds cliche, but things WILL get easier. At 2 months in, I'm definitely no expert, but I can say it is getting a bit easier each week that goes by.
And when you start getting smiles like this (Harlow)..
And this (Emma)..
It makes it aaaaaall worth it. :)
I want to hug you right now!! It's totally rough, and I wish more women would talk about the anxiety and the depression that's so common after having a baby (or babies). I swore every female family member wanted to kidnap Severin after he was born. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're feeling better, though. Someone told us that the first three months are the hardest, and it's TRUE! So, you're through with the hardest part. The girls will start developing their own schedule(s) and sleeping longer at night (probably.... hopefully, lol). It'll get rough again later on when they start teething, though. ;)
p.s. every female family member except you. :)
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY what you mean about that anxiety. And the way you described it , "It seemed like right when the sun went down the butterflies in my stomach went crazy," was my experience too. Around dinner time I would start to feel a lump in my throat. I'd feel nauseous and just cry. About everything. Changing a crying baby meant tears from me. Feeding my sweet baby meant tears from me. Trying to eat dinner when he wouldn't sleep made me cry. Putting him down to go to the bathroom even. Nights were the hardest. I felt like from 5pm on I was in the midst of a constant panic attack.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't more women talk about it?
(((hugs)))
They are beyond beautiful lolo! I felt postpartum anxiety as well after I had Carson. Except mine was when others would hold him. I would get really anxiousy and want him back so badly. You little girls are so beautiful and I'm happy your blogging again!
ReplyDeleteThose are two of the most adorable little girls, Lolo!! <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling anxious and hope that feeling goes away soon. I think its awesome you are sharing your experience though, you never know who you helped through your experience.
((hugs)) keep hanging in there and please keep taking more pics of those little darlings!!