Monday, July 26, 2010

Where to start?

I've been a bad bad blogger, and now I feel like I have waaaay too much to share. For now I'll share with you the happiest single moment in my life, followed by the worst.

On Thursday, July 8th, I woke up and took the obligatory HPT. And to my absolute shock, two blue lines popped up. I emphasize the color of the lines because stupid me bought a cheap-o test, and decided that it would be a good idea to use one that morning. So, I woke Dan up and told him I got a positive test, but not to get too excited because the blue dye tests are known to give false positives.

I called my RE's nurse when I got to work and she told me to come right in to take another HPT, and they would get my blood drawn afterwards. Long story short, this is what came of that:


Total shock! I started crying, my RE high fived me, and off I went to get my blood work done. Was this really happening.. after almost 2 years was I FINALLY pregnant? Holy crap. I still had this sinking feeling that something would go wrong. I doubt it was intuition. I think I'm just used to nothing but bad news when it comes to getting pregnant.

My RE called me that afternoon and confirmed my fear.. hCG = 22, progesterone = 12. An hCG of over 5 means you're pregnant, 22 is still pretty low, but the progesterone was definitely lower than it should have been.. even though I had already been taking progesterone suppositories since the IUI.

I had to come in the next morning to get another blood test done, since I would be leaving for vacation that Saturday morning. Friday morning I decided to test with my digital, and got this:


At this point I thought maaaaybe this was happening and all would work out with the blood work.

The results from Friday's blood work.. hCG = 30, progesterone = 10. crap. My RE said he was surprised to see my hCG go up so much, and that because of the progesterone level he figured we had about a 50/50 chance of this pregnancy working out. All we could do was wait it out.

I tried to remain optimistic, but of course when someone says 50/50 I'm looking at that glass half empty, not half full. Old habits die hard.

Saturday morning we started our 7 hour drive up to Santa Cruz for our week long vacation. Not long into the drive I started spotting and I had the worst cramps I've ever had. By the time we got up to Santa Cruz I had started bleeding, and I knew it was over.

So, that was that. For a short time I had what I have been dreaming about for so long. I saw those two lines. Dan and I created something, even if it couldn't stay with us. After we lost it I was pissed. I was angry at the world just in general. Why do bad things happen to good people? And why do good things happen to bad people? Obviously there's no answer for those questions, it's just life. And sometimes life is cruel and unfair. Sometimes more to some than others.

I'm starting to feel better though. I'm trying to think positively.. this proved I can get pregnant. I should consider that a huuuuge step in this whole journey of ours. I think we've decided on our next step, but I'll save that for another day.

Onwards...

3 comments:

  1. I love you.

    I'm sorry.

    And HUGE hugs.

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  2. ((BIG HUGS)) I'm so sorry Lolo, I can't even imagine the emotions your going through. I'm praying that whatever it is you two have planned next works out!

    ReplyDelete