Some much needed R&R

So, miscarrying on the drive up to your week long vacation has it's ups and downs...

I was thankful that I didn't have to face a week at work, but I had all the time in the world to think about what happened. I was surrounded by Dan's family, but that included my niece, who I was meeting for the first time. Being around a baby all week was rough, but I dealt with it and managed to really, truly enjoy myself on this vacation.

We stayed at a beach house in Santa Cruz with my Sister-in-Law (Beth), Brother-in-Law (Mike), my 3 year old nephew Jack, my 4 month old niece, Olivia, and Dan's parents (Carol & Doug). Oh, and I can't forget about our two dogs, Bootsie and Cali, and Beth & Mike's dog, Nola. It was a full house!

Meet my adorable nephew and niece:

I spent a lot of time sleeping in, relaxing on the beach, eating good food, and drinking lots of wine. We took walks around cute neighborhoods, put a huge puzzle together, played dominoes, and showered in an amazing outdoor shower. We made s'mores in the outdoor fire pit and fish tacos from the fish the boys caught on their fishing day trip.

We went to the boardwalk one day where I got on a ride that I initially refused to go on. You know the one that shoots you up into the air, drops you back down, and makes you feel like your stomach is going to fall out of your mouth? Yeah, that kind of ride. Go me!

Here's a picture of Dan and I on the pier in Santa Cruz. You can see the boardwalk in the back ground, but I think Dan's big head is covering up that ride! Oh, and I also rode the merry-go-round.. check that off my list!

The house we stayed in was one block from the beach, and we picked the perfect spot! Apparently all the locals go to this beach with their dogs because even though there are "leash laws" there's no way for a lifeguard truck or police car to get on this beach. So, the rules go out the window! The dogs were able to have the time of their lives, running around and playing in the water. And the humans got to drink beers. A win-win!

Here are all the dogs pooped after a day on the beach. We called this "dog row":

It was a wonderful trip, and just what my soul needed.

Where to start?

I've been a bad bad blogger, and now I feel like I have waaaay too much to share. For now I'll share with you the happiest single moment in my life, followed by the worst.

On Thursday, July 8th, I woke up and took the obligatory HPT. And to my absolute shock, two blue lines popped up. I emphasize the color of the lines because stupid me bought a cheap-o test, and decided that it would be a good idea to use one that morning. So, I woke Dan up and told him I got a positive test, but not to get too excited because the blue dye tests are known to give false positives.

I called my RE's nurse when I got to work and she told me to come right in to take another HPT, and they would get my blood drawn afterwards. Long story short, this is what came of that:

Total shock! I started crying, my RE high fived me, and off I went to get my blood work done. Was this really happening.. after almost 2 years was I FINALLY pregnant? Holy crap. I still had this sinking feeling that something would go wrong. I doubt it was intuition. I think I'm just used to nothing but bad news when it comes to getting pregnant.

My RE called me that afternoon and confirmed my fear.. hCG = 22, progesterone = 12. An hCG of over 5 means you're pregnant, 22 is still pretty low, but the progesterone was definitely lower than it should have been.. even though I had already been taking progesterone suppositories since the IUI.

I had to come in the next morning to get another blood test done, since I would be leaving for vacation that Saturday morning. Friday morning I decided to test with my digital, and got this:

At this point I thought maaaaybe this was happening and all would work out with the blood work.

The results from Friday's blood work.. hCG = 30, progesterone = 10. crap. My RE said he was surprised to see my hCG go up so much, and that because of the progesterone level he figured we had about a 50/50 chance of this pregnancy working out. All we could do was wait it out.

I tried to remain optimistic, but of course when someone says 50/50 I'm looking at that glass half empty, not half full. Old habits die hard.

Saturday morning we started our 7 hour drive up to Santa Cruz for our week long vacation. Not long into the drive I started spotting and I had the worst cramps I've ever had. By the time we got up to Santa Cruz I had started bleeding, and I knew it was over.

So, that was that. For a short time I had what I have been dreaming about for so long. I saw those two lines. Dan and I created something, even if it couldn't stay with us. After we lost it I was pissed. I was angry at the world just in general. Why do bad things happen to good people? And why do good things happen to bad people? Obviously there's no answer for those questions, it's just life. And sometimes life is cruel and unfair. Sometimes more to some than others.

I'm starting to feel better though. I'm trying to think positively.. this proved I can get pregnant. I should consider that a huuuuge step in this whole journey of ours. I think we've decided on our next step, but I'll save that for another day.

Onwards...

A bet

I'm going to make a bet right now that I'm going to see another BFN on Thursday. I hope I lose, but I have a feeling I won't.

I started getting my hopes up when I was waking up around 3:00 A.M every morning feeling like I was hungover, even though I haven't been drinking any alcohol. And yesterday when I noticed I hadn't felt any of the normal pre-period cramps, I thought maybe THIS is it! Well, then my body decided to give me a big ol' F.U. back and those cramps were here by the evening.

I know it's not over until I see that BFN, but there's nothing really giving me any hope right now. Everything feels pretty much exactly like all of my other 20 or so cycles, and I'm 12dpiui. sigh.

Well, let me at least try to look on the bright side of this. I leave for a week long vacation this Saturday. The vino and I will be BFF's all week. We'll be moving on to IVF with a wonderful clinic that has one of the best success rates nationwide. I won't mention the down side which is that I'll be with a 4 month old baby during my entire vacation, and I have no clue how we'll be paying for IVF (a minor detail, no?). Oh wait.. I said I wouldn't mention those things, huh? Oops. Well, I promise to at least focus on those positives, and not dwell on the negatives.

'til Thursday...

Success!

I did it! I actually went out and found a bathing suit that doesn't make me look like a cow! Behold the La Blanca by Rod Beattie One Piece Bandeau Swimsuit, otherwise known as the most expensive swimsuit I've ever bought...

Isn't it puuurdy? This itty bitty pic doesn't do it justice, so I included a linky above just in case you want to check it out. It was $109.00 but it was worth every penny. If you have a large chest and you're self conscious about your tummy, this is the suit for you. Those straps come off, but with my huge boobies, I definitely will be wearing that strap. I'm even considering taking it to a tailor to have them shorten it a bit. Just to give me a little extra oompf. :)

It comes in some other colors but I went for the black.. between the ruching and the color and the fit.. I actually feel comfy in this suit! Hallelujah!

Oh, my one complaint.. I read it in the reviews and it's confirmed. You must buy it in a size larger than your normal size. UGH. Not cool Rod Beattie, not cool. You're lucky I fell in love with this bathing suit. If you really want someone to feel good about the suit, make it run large! I was having flash backs of looking for my wedding dress. Do you think maybe the bathing suit and wedding dress makers have some sort of deal with Weight Watchers, or 24 hour Fitness? Hm....

Superman

So, according to my RE I'm married to him:

The IUI was this morning and it went GREAT! We were a little worried about Dan's count since the last IUI was only 9 million. Well... today's post wash count was 50 million mobile sperm! Woot! Dan was pleased & of course after the RE called him Superman, he was gloating all day. I reminded him that it's not how many there are that counts, it's whether they do their job or not. hehe. I'm so mean, huh?

The other great thing about this IUI was that it was totally quick & painless. The whole thing probably took 5 minutes, followed by the usual 15 minutes of laying on the table. Dan & I joked that the RE has a GPS now for my cervix. haha.

Aaaand now the wait begins. UGH. I hate the waiting game. July 8th could not get here soon enough. We leave for our week long vacation to Santa Cruz on the 10th so for the next 2 weeks I'm going to try to keep busy with vacay planning. I have packing lists to start & some last minute shopping to do.. mainly a bathing suit. EEK.

Update!

My follow-up u/s was this morning, to find out if we could go forward with the IUI, or have to scrap this cycle.

I was super nervous going into the u/s and of course I got the u/s tech that doesn't measure the follies while I'm laying there. I did get a glimpse of the screen and there appeared to be a LOT of follies. It was definitely a crowded situation. Afterwards, I got to the waiting room and told Dan it didn't look good, and I mentally prepared myself for some sucky news.

Well, a few minutes later we were in the RE's office getting some fantastic news! The ganirelix apparently did it's job and most of the follies were smaller than they were on Monday! I have 3 lead follies, and he's confident those 3 will release an egg. Yippeeee!

So, I got the trigger shot while I was there and the IUI is tomorrow morning! Originally we planned on trying back to back IUIs this cycle, but my RE thinks it's not necessary since I'm SO ready to go. Our timing should be perfect! I am beyond thrilled that we don't have to scrap this cycle, and while I know this doesn't mean it will absolutely work, at least we have a chance!

And yes, this post needs as many exclamation points as possible because I'm just that damn excited!!!!

Twelve

That's how many follies I have right now all measuring over 10mm. FML.

Of course doing an IUI with six is a little risky, but twelve? Totally out of the question. So, the new plan is to stop the follistim injections and continue with the ganirelix injections for the next couple mornings. Our hope is that the ganirelix will a) keep me from ovulating and b) get rid of some of those follies. I go back in on Wednesday for another u/s, and we'll go from there.

There's really 3 scenarios that could play out..
1) The ganirelix works and we're able to do an IUI on Thursday or Friday
2) The ganirelix doesn't work, and we convert to IVF
3) The ganirelix doesn't work & we scrap this cycle

My RE definitely thinks we should move on to IVF if this cycle doesn't work out. I guess on the bright side he thinks I'll do great with IVF. The down side?.. does anyone have about $10,000 I can have? Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?